Writing Sample - Imaginative

2. Write two contrasting pieces (300–450 words each), the first about a place before a flood and the second about the same place after a flood. In your writing create a mood and a sense of place.


Part 1: 359

The young girl’s eyes startle open at the sound of thunder. She lays still on the right side of her bed, waiting to hear a curtain of water hit the roof. But it never comes. Through the rectangular glass windows atop the double wooden doors that opened into the patio, she could see the bright blue of the sky laughing at her uneasiness. Within seconds she hears it again, the hairs on the back of her neck rising as the sound crackled through the air. It was a lot closer than before. With worry coating her face, the girl got up and went to find the source of such a sound, after all, she was not going to fall asleep again anytime soon.

Her feet met the cold white tiles of the floor, sliding back and forth as she searched for her worn out flip-flops. After a couple of seconds of blindly searching, the girl leaned down and looked under the bed. She was met with the hissing of an orange cat, uncomfortably close to her face. Reaching for the sun-kissed furball, she was able to spot the blue robber of her shoes. Of course, the cat had been sleeping comfortably atop them, where else would he have been. Slipping on the shoes, she headed for the double doors of her room, brushing off the cat hairs off of her arms, watching them bathe the spotless floor in a light tangerine color.

The second she stepped out of her room the sweet, warm aroma of coffee enveloped her. She had expected to see her grandmother in the kitchen, yawning as she poured freshly made coffee into an old, stained mug, instead, she found a silent room with the patio doors wide open.

Stepping into the warm air of summer in July, she spied the old woman atop a wooden stair, attaching metal covers to the bedroom windows. No more than three steps to the left of her current position, she could see two dented panels that had fallen on the dried bed of rose adjacent to the wall. Turns out that Zeus had not been playing darts after all.


Part 2: 333

Loud meowing awoke the young girl. Small paws were pressing down into her chest and she could smell the wet nauseating odor of tuna in the cat’s breath as it continued to yell in her face. Annoyed at her sleep being so rudely interrupted she shifted to the right side of the bed and pushed the animal off of her. Relentless as usual, the orange ball continued to bother her, pressing its head into her shoulder and scratching her arm. Hoping the cat would take the hint she pressed her head into the pillow, bringing her left arm up to cup her face and her right arm to dangle off the bed.

Her eyes snapped open as her fingers were coated in what she hoped was water. Sitting up she noticed how dark and eerily quiet everything was. She could see the wind blowing through the top of the trees in the patio through the small glass windows on the wall, behind them a sky so grey she thought the world was on fire. When she glanced at the floor, panic surged through her.

Water. So much water. Everywhere. It was at least a foot high, missing the opposing wall’s outlet by a couple of centimeters. My blue rubber shoes were floating on the surface, strands of cat hair circling it. The girl’s first instinct was to pull up the bed covers that had been hanging off the side of the bed. They were heavy with water.

Getting out of the bed and jumping into the water, the girl called out for her grandmother, seeking some sort of explanation. When she reached the kitchen doors she could tell that something was wrong. She took a step forward over the threshold, and the world seemed to slow down.

The wooden section of the roof groaned as it detached itself from the concrete pillars. Nails, roof tiles and wood came tumbling down, disturbing the otherwise calm water. The girl screamed stumbled back into the water.

Comments

  1. 14 - Part A
    Your approach to this prompt was very unique and had a different sense of style. I think that the main issue that I saw with the blog is that it took a long time to get to the point. I can visualize your setting, but this seems like a part of a longer story. I don't know if that is good or bad, cause we haven't gone into depth about how to grade these two part pieces, but I think that two contrasting pieces would be more effective.

    Your language and progression is so smooth that it draws me into the plot. The progression of step by step events that happen seem timeless and are easy to follow. I would put more emphasis on the setting and descriptive language rather than the plot. The color of the room, the smell, the temperature... all of this will help to establish more of a tone and connection to the setting itself.

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  2. Band 3 (16)
    I very much agree with Michael's comment regarding the uniqueness of your paper. All of the others that I have read were all in first person, but you decided to take a completely different approach, which was refreshing to read. I also agree with the point he made on how it took long to get to the point. There's absolutely nothing wrong with trying to build a solid image of what your character is seeing, but you need to know when to wrap up such imagery and move on to the next point. If you stick to one for too long and go overboard with it and end up not getting to the overall point, you're going to lose the reader's interest.
    As for your vocabulary and your expressions, they are most definitely advanced and much more mature than what I've seen in other papers. The use of metaphors, nods to things such as mythology, and your flow were all phenomenal as well. All of this effectively captured the distinctly different tones of the two papers. The structure was also fitting for the prompt.

    • Consistent focus on a relevant form and content, with an appropriate sense of
    audience; consistent sense of voice; -- It took a long time to get to your point, it felt like.
    • Clear structure that fits the task; -- Your structure was adequate.
    • Some effects of language are attempted and achieved, narrative or descriptive
    as appropriate; -- Your language was very advanced and definitely bumped your score up.
    • Clear expression with some variety, a few technical inaccuracies. -- Same as above.

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  3. Sarahi, you are one of the strongest writers in the class-and trying to read your two comparisons and give you a full explanation of how it should be scored was a daunting task. So instead, what I want to do with yours is reading the rubric and deciding from there.
    -you had a clear focus and did a great tone change in the two comparisons.
    -you structure was in place, and you had been fully consistent. personally, I think that sometimes you did drawn it on a bit but I could tell that you were trying to paint a picture in the reader's mind about this little girl in the flood.
    -your organization was spot on and you kept your ideas in aligned.
    -your language was strong and you managed to apply it to your ideas and content and had an amazing level of vocabulary demonstrated.
    -overall, I want to give you a band 3. Loved the way you did dat

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  4. Band 2
    Sarahi , your paper was really good, your writing skills are incredibly strong and your approach this topic was unique.
    -You had really strong descriptive language and made the reader feel as if they were really there.
    -Your organization was really good and your paper was not all over the place.
    -You had a really good contrast between the both scenes and your mood in both pieces were drastically different.

    Overall, I would score this a band 2 because you clearly understood what the topic was asking for and delivered it beautifully.

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